The Darkness Within (Drabbles)
by sapphire.gd17
Summary: Stories from the different perspectives of HP characters of how they coped after the war. Addresses psychological issues. Heavy, a bit dark and emotional. Who will overcome the darkness within their minds?
1. Ron Weasley

Enemies… Enemies all around.

Where I walk, I feel eyes at my back. I turn around and see the ghosts of my past. Are they coming back for me?

I hide. But I can feel them haunting me, seeking for me. Please don't let them find me! I have blood in my hands but it was because they forced our hand. We didn't have a choice but to fight. They wanted to establish dominance, brainwash us with the wrong beliefs, and snatch our wills. We stood up for what is right. We won. We lost. They killed my brother, tortured my friends. The Dark Lord is no more and his minions are scattered. But I am suspicious. They might be everywhere. They might be stalking around, waiting for the opportunity to avenge their master. They might be after me.

I look around. I see people. Are they friends? Are they enemies? Are they enemies masquerading as friends? I can't trust anybody. I don't trust anybody.

I walk faster, averting my eyes, not returning their greetings. I can practically hear them taunting me, telling me that its just a matter of time before they lunge at me from where they are stalking me, reading my thoughts. I see them at every corner, at every street, everywhere. I see and hear them everywhere. Swearing, laughing, and goading me.

I jump at the slightest sounds, my heart racing.

I see threat whenever people so much as look at me.

Who do I turn to?

Is Harry still the person I know before? Is Hermione still the lady I'd ever love? Is my family too grieved at Fred's murder and blame it on me? Did the Horcrux ever leave its influence over me when we destroyed the locket? I don't know. I can't ever be sure.

Its all too much. I closed my eyes. I put my hands over my ears. Just once, I don't want to see, hear or feel.

I shut myself from the outside, from the world and its perils.

Day and night, the same. I don't keep track of time. The days stretched to weeks, months… years.

They came to me, one by one. Telling me they will always be there for me. They feed me, clothe me, talk to me, tell me of the wonderful things happening outside. But I doubt it. The world will never be the same. My childhood innocence was taken away from me. In fact, I don't believe I'd even remember feeling that way ever. The world is evil. They are plotting against me. They steal my thoughts and twist it, making me feel so horrible about myself. What have I done to deserve this?

They were patient. They never leave me. They sing songs about hope and growth.

He tells me that everything is gonna be okay. We are best friends and he will protect me like I did for him before. He encourages me to run with him. Every morning we run. We don't think too much and just run. It helps and I smile. At least I have one I can trust.

They tell me I look much better. My family were there. Always there. Eating with me, urging me to play with them. They tell of the people who gave them so much strength and that they wish me well. That I should give humanity a chance because not all of them are bad. I doubt that but I nod. At least I know my family is good.

She tells me she loves me. Love. We were best friends but she said it is the other kind of love. That I should begin to trust again because those who love me won't fail me. That she would cherish me and follow me no matter what. I might not trust again completely but I will try. I promise her, I'll try.

I can feel myself starting to heal. It isn't going to be easy. But I will be okay.

The voices are still hounding me but its effect on me diminishes somewhat over time.

I smiled, feeling supported and loved. I'm gonna be okay because…

Friends… I have friends around me.


	2. Hermione Granger

My body felt like lead. I am on solid ground but why do I feel like drowning? I feel like I am trying to run but I move ever so slowly, like I am running underwater. I feel so frustrated. I hear warning bells going off in my head urging me to flee. I know what is coming.

I try to scream but my voice deserted me. She's closing in… suffocating me with so much terror. Then it hits me. Every nerve-endings on my body felt like exploding to tiny little pieces. It burns! It burns so bad its maddening. My eyes rolled back. My chest is heaving from so much pain. Every time I try to draw in air to my lungs, I choke. I try to breathe but it feels like I'm sucking fire, searing me with fierce brutality. I scream for it to stop but I gurgle blood instead. When, oh, when will this torture relent? The onslaught of pain never ceases, I could barely hold on to my sanity.

I woke up in a cold sweat, her deranged laughter still ringing faintly in my ears. I clutched my heart willing it to stop beating so fast. When did I fall asleep? I wasn't supposed to sleep! I swore to myself to never ever let myself sleep again no matter what the cost.

I feel so tired, I feel drowsy. I felt my eyes close without my permission. No! I panic. My eyes open wide. I can't. I shouldn't sleep. I splashed my face with cold water. I should stay awake. Or she will find me again.

She is dead, I saw Molly kill her. But why won't she let me alone? She never lets me forget! She is still there even when she's gone. She is always there in my nightmares.

I was good. I worked hard at school. I protected the Boy-Who-Lived. I fought for the Light. I even sacrificed my parents' memory of me so I could protect them. We won.

But I lost so much. I never recovered their memories. I am still searching for answers but I couldn't restore it without damaging their brains. I lost touch with my friends. I couldn't even talk to them. They are wrestling with their own demons. So I left them alone with their problems. I have enough to deal with as it is. I am developing Hypnophobia and it's so depressing. I can find no way out of my ever darkening thoughts.

But why? Why do I have to suffer so? Shouldn't it be them, those evil bastards, who should suffer? It is too unfair!

I felt the barrier that suppresses my rage snap. I see red.

I break everything my hand touches, I trash my room.

Broken glass, scattered things and smashed windows. Torn pillows, severed lamps and overturned tables.

I'm still not satisfied. They'll pay. They will.

I went to the Manor, where it all happened… and burned everything in my path. Destroy that beautiful patio, level the room beside it, burn its remains…burn, burn, burn.

They saw me. They never made any move to stop me. The cold woman wept openly, for the house or for me, I cannot tell. The young man with the piercing grey eyes, full of sorrow, just stood there, looking at me. I want to hurt them so bad. I want to burn them too like they burned me. But I stay rooted to my spot, still simmering with so much anger. We stared at each other, for how long, I do not know.

The Aurors came. They found sections of smoldering flames, still licking parts of the Manor, its thirst still not quenched.

The man with the lightning scar and the man with the fiery hair gently took me away. A woman with such warm smile offered me something hot to drink and it soothed my dry throat.

I fell into a dreamless sleep.

Days later I resurfaced, feeling well rested for the first time in months.

Then it all came back to me and I feel so ashamed. The friends I thought I had lost held my hand, saying nothing yet telling me so much.

I go back to the place I burned, I find them, I ask for forgiveness that I know I don't deserve.

They ask for my forgiveness instead.

Dark and Light, the line dissolved.

We will never truly be friends but it paved the way to understanding, to a new beginning.

Released of all my bitterness and hatred, I started to mend.

The nightmares came back, but rarely. When they do come, my friends are there to hold my hand. Saying nothing but telling me much.


	3. Harry Potter

It came back. Whole.

I buried it with the dead and washed myself clean of its corrupting influence yet there it was. Again and again I get rid of it- yet it always find its way back to me.

It calls to me. _They are coming_ it said. _They will take me away and win me from you_. Telling me to use the power so immense stored within its core to conquer them all. _Kill_.

It calls for blood. It calls for my humanity. It calls for my soul.

Elder Wand and Death, forever entwined- gift and Giver, whispering at my ear.

An ever present nagging thought, poisoning my mind, wanting me to let loose the bloodlust… the monster in me… Hammering its morbid thoughts in my brain like a battering ram again and again, deepening its hold on me. The powerful wand gives no reprieve to my weary heart.

I am waging a losing battle, giving way inch by inch. I cling desperately to every ounce of my willpower. Yet I am losing ground. I can feel the floodgates opening. No matter how much I deny its demands, it pushes and pushes me to the brink… it overwhelms. Do I succumb?

They said I rescued the magical world against an evil so great and they celebrate. But I weep. Who will save me? Save me.

I think of them. Ron, Hermione… Ginny. The people I love most and more. Of people who will always know pain, for the people who lost and gained.

I cannot lose. I won't. All my sacrifices and theirs won't be for naught. I will not turn. I won't.

Weary… so weary. I feel its darkness taking over. I scream and scream. No, no, no!

All the way, I stumbled. I fell, too blinded by my thoughts. I looked around and was surprised. My feet took me to the place of my sorrows. Dumbledore's grave.

Half-mad, mouth-frothing, I started digging. Clawing at the dirt… digging, digging. Blooded hands, I bellowed a spell to lift the lid of his coffin.

But there it was. Beside the corpse of my Headmaster, the wand was where it was always supposed to be. Buried with him, never leaving.

I laughed and laughed. Manically, I laughed…

It was only in my mind. It was just me after all. I found myself kneeling; I cannot keep it in anymore.

I let go and cried for a long time, mourning for what was, what is and what should have been. I wept till I am wrung out of tears.

Finally, I had closure. I stood up.

I left the graveyard. Free of my fears, my doubts and the darkness within.

It never came back. Its power over me is broken.


	4. Draco Malfoy

A slash for every pain.

Perfection. Don't be weak. Hold your head high. Beat them all, every single one of them and always be on top whatever it takes.

So many expectations, too much pressure… I don't deliver.

No matter how much I stay up late, studying, I can never put my name ahead of her. I am a second rate. A disappointment.

I turn to broomsticks, quaffles and snitches. He beat me, every single time.

I am a loser. A disappointment.

A cut to the wrist, I see myself bleeding… I find relief.

We are superior. Our blood is pure. We deserve the pedestal made from the bones of the impure.

Yet I feel inferior. The mud blood, the half-blood and the blood-traitor are always one step ahead. They get all the attention and all the glory. They protected the Sorcerer's stone, slew the basilisk, saved the innocent, became champions- always in the middle of important events.

I am left out. An outcast.

A couple of slits inside my arms, I feel the blood flow… I find release.

Kill. He should not live. He defended the filthy creatures that shouldn't exist. He defended the abominations that are poisoning our blood, those who are mixing themselves with the superior race. Kill and achieve acceptance, rank and pride.

I went dreaming of elevating my status within the Circle, of pleasing my lord and of finally making my parents proud of me.

The killing curse never left my tongue, muted by my cowardice and my weakness. I stood frozen as someone else finished him for me.

I went back, a failure. An embarrassment.

A dash of pain, some lashing from a whip … I find reprieve.

The time has come. Everything we have spent our lives on and pinned our hopes for will culminate on our victory so inexorable, we could taste it. They will suffer from following the Boy-Who-Lived and we will seize control and attain the prominence we so rightly deserved. We will subdue them and they will bow to us. We will be a god to them all.

We were defeated. So thorough and complete was our fall from grace that those who weren't among the dead were locked up or scattered somewhere, in hiding.

We were no more. A nonentity.

Cut, slit, slash, reopening my wounds. I felt too much and yet felt numb. I cut and scratch and control the pain. Relief was so hard to reach today.

I have no one. They deserted me. The Dark Lord I looked up to with such reverence was no more, stripped from the illusion of untouchability and infallability. The father I worked so hard to please was rotting inside a cell in Azkaban. My loyal friend, Crabbe, burned from the fire he unleashed himself- to his own undoing. Goyle disappeared with his family without saying goodbye. Pansy, the one who said she wanted me more than anything else in the world, abandoned me. My mom shut me out the door and out of her life, too absorbed in her own torments to even attend to her son.

I am alone.

Scald, scratch and cut again. I see darker blood flowing from my veins. Cold, damp and aching, still can't get the respite I was expecting. My head hurts. I am thoroughly spent.

Malfoy- such a powerful, long-standing, prestigious name. My pride and my birthright.

Malfoy- the butt of shame, hate and scorn, trapping me with the knowledge of its collapse and associating me among the degraded.

An example to the people. A name to be shunned.

I cut myself with abandon.

I am dizzy… blood everywhere. My vision flickering, on, off, on, off… dimming. Darkness.

I emerged from the black waters. I don't want to break free from its lulling caress and its hypnotic voice. I welcomed its hold on me, gripping it to me tightly, but I was ripped violently away from its cold embrace.

She is standing in front of me, fierce and victorious but never gloating. Admiration mingled with disgust. Mudblood.

He is here beside her, full of life, promise and hope yet never proud. Respect and hate. Half-blood.

He is with them, of course, once behind their shadows, but now standing tall on his own. Envy. Blood traitor.

My enemies, standing there, telling me to hold on. My enemies telling me not to harm myself anymore. My enemies, protecting me from the mob, who wants to spit on my deathbed.

I don't talk to them, I don't believe them.

They are beneath me! They are filthy and tainted. Misguided and blinded!

Or is it the other way around?

Realization dawned on me, strong and relentless.

One by one, the scales covering my eyes fell away.

Pureblood supremacy…wrong. Dark Lord…the real enemy. Killing… immoral.

One by one, points of light are igniting within me. Showing me, telling me, correcting me.

It is blinding me with its brilliance, it is overpowering! So much of what I am, what I'm born into, what I hold dearly, what beliefs I clung to- all wrong. Lies. All lies!

I look around. My wand is nowhere to be seen, there is nothing sharp anywhere near me. I sobbed. I have to cut and rip and slit! They must've taken it away… I knew they didn't really want to help me! These revelations are overwhelming and I can't take it! They want me to languish in these tormenting thoughts with nothing to hold my sanity together!

I pull my hair till I feel intense pain. I bite my wrists till it bleeds. I bang my head on the walls.

They came in a flurry, but it is too late. I smile, knowing that relief is near.

But they are stubborn, amazing in their tenacity. They refused to let me go.

My enemies. My salvation.

I cheated death again and time went on. They taught me how to live again.

I try. I cope. I struggle. I fight.

I overcome.


	5. Luna Lovegood

Butterflies with wings of flame are fluttering everywhere around me. I can hear a distant melody of such piercing, heavenly crescendo, calling to my very soul. I respond to the call, my feet gliding towards the sound and, oh, such beauty! The lovely woman, glittering in silver light, is dancing blissfully to a song so divine, looking at me with her wonderful, hypnotic smile. I stretch my hand towards her, reaching, reaching… but never connecting. She disappeared, consumed by the light, leaving me all alone.

Alone in a dark place, dazzling stars are close by, swirling above me, exploding into a shower of sparks. I was enchanted by a parade of pure magnificence as, one by one, phantoms in dark robes and lovely masks play delightful games with me,tickling me dizzy when I didn't know how to play along. I shriek in laughter, reveling in their company. Then, without warning, they vanish too, like whispers in the wind… leaving me alone again.

Alone in a dark place, majestic fairies abound, flitting around me in graceful synergy. I was filled with mirth as new playmates joined me: a boy with round glasses, a boy with red hair and a girl with a wild mane. They gathered me in their embrace and told me to stay strong. They stay with me as they sing in such perfect harmony, overflowing with gladness. I sing with them, following an enchanted wooden doll with pointy ears, as we dance our way out of the dark, lonely place.

We continued dancing inside a great big hall, the phantoms in dark robes and lovely masks joining us in an explosive burst of light. Fireworks and puppet shows. Twirling, pirouetting, jumping and turning! Two maestros are standing side by side, conducting such brilliant masterpiece, complementing the other in an unearthly sound. Oh, what fun! What a wonderful, splendid stage, bathed in glory!

Then... a concussive sound disrupted my senses.

Another melody of a different kind chimed in, painfully asserting its truth.

I blinked. The world was devoid of light and song. A series of ghastly pictures took its place. Faces I recognize plagued my waking nightmares. Again and again, it played in convoluted circles, brutally yanking at the ghosts of my buried memories.

For there never were butterflies with wings of flame…

And I saw it for what it was- burning debris, scattered in the air. A piercing scream profaned the air with its unholy anguish, crushing my heart. I searched and searched, looking for the person I love, looking for the source of so much pain. The trail leading me to where she is- amidst the scorching ruins of the shed, her experiments exploding with wild abandon. My mother moved harshly in a grotesque dance, enveloped in the blinding fury of the inferno. She looked at me in a helpless grimace, begging, screaming for me to hurry and escape. I tried to help, goodness knows I tried! But I was too late and too young… I never got her out. She disappeared, consumed by the fire, leaving me alone.

There never was a place with dazzling stars close by…

For I perceived it for what it was - a dark dungeon with drops of sparkling water dripping from the harsh stone ceiling. Where foul people, hideously garbed in cloaks of black and skull-etched masks, asked me cruel questions I cannot answer. So they tormented me, my whole body convulsing in agony as they laughed and laughed. I curled myself into a ball, trying to hold myself together from their terrible wrath. Then they suddenly left, summoned by a cruel master - vanishing, like whispers in the wind… leaving me alone again.

There never was a place where majestic fairies abound...

For I recognized it for what it was- a dungeon full of malevolent tiny creatures, circling around me menacingly as if to devour me- a gift from my tormentors. But then, three of my dear friends were captured and brought inside my cell. They told me to be strong, holding me in a fierce embrace, promising never to leave me alone. But how can I be strong when, one by one, they were sent outside to be tortured like I was, as they were asked cruel questions they would not answer. They scream in unison- the pain of one, the pain of all. I shared in their despair. Then, miraculously, salvation came in a form of a house elf and we fought our way out of the dark, lonely place.

Still, there weren't any dancing inside a great big hall…

For, in the sudden clarity that besieged my mind, I remembered it for what it was- a War violently waged inside a crumbling castle, between the forces of good and evil; where wizards and witches danced in such ferocious discordance- twisting, distorting, and hissing with unrestrained fervor. Vicious blasts of multi-colored lights exploded every which way, bringing death, draining life into the maw of the ever- thirsting void. Two opposing masters, separated by an unbreachable gap of convictions, roused chaos, giving way to so much destruction. Oh, horror of horrors! What grisly, terrifying stage, bathed in blood!

Then all was silent.

The battle is won.

We won… oh, but in such great a cost!

I wailed in grief, choking in this plane called reality... Give me back my illusions! Don't let me be sane again!

Pop. Pop. Pop.

People from the Army and the Order crowded my white-padded room, alerted by the mediwitch of my lucidity. They try to convince me to return to where I belong. Telling me to let go of the most precious thing I have. To let go of my safe haven where I build my own world shrouded in fantasy. Trying to convince me to look at the real world again- the world they've worked so hard to rebuild.

I laughed humorlessly because no one can ever rebuild a broken mind. They didn't laugh with me. Instead they begged me to please get out of my self-imposed madness.

Oh, but I am slipping again, their faces blurring at the return of my hazy waking dreams. They are better off without a damaged wreck like me. And I am better off in my pretty fantasies, balming my hurts and my fears, distorting my nightmares into a beautiful image- into a magnificent world of light and song.

I tell them it's alright. I tell them goodbye and that I wish them well, as I return to my happy place, where nothing can ever hurt me again.

The last thing I remembered is tears- from the people who love me, from the people who can never save me from my choice...

...

Years and years later, I re-emerged.

They awaited my return, and this time, they never let go.

And as my precious friends enfolded me inside their warmth, I realized something- I'll never be alone again.

For the world is not perfect but it is not entirely devoid of light and beauty.

Ready to face life at last, I never went back.


End file.
